I'm Worn

         I have started this blog so many times.  Many times I have erased and started over.  The last thing I want is anyone to feel sorry for me or feel I'm a whiner.  (Although at times I know I am.) But now that I've been home and the life of "I have to be home in time for Breanna" is really setting in, I'm becoming worn out.  On the weeks/days she has school she is picked up anytime between 8:30 and 9:00 depending on how long it takes to load the beautiful little girl that rides with her.  Then she arrives at home between 3:15 and 3:30.  So to go anywhere and do anything is stressful. 

    "I can't go here because it will be ____ before I even get there then I have to leave at _____ to get back for her." 

    "If I go here I will have time to do______ and not do _____."

     So I haven't really be able to have any "me time" outside of my hour in church at 11:00 at night on Fridays.  I'm beginning to feel it too.

     I needed to go to Sioux City to get shoes for Tom and other items for projects around here.  Miss Breanna has been a one stop, shop, and go home, kind of kid.  Thus WalMart and I have become best friends.  Well, Mom and Reid pushed that limit to the max Saturday.  We went to the mall, which alone is a stressor, where she flapped her way down the hall and back.  She was so good I stood at the treadmills for 5 minutes, ignoring the sign to not let children play on them, while she worked hard on trying to move the belt on them.  She wouldn't move to the next one until she made the current one move.  She's determined and stubborn.

     Next we went to the shoe store for Tom's shoes.  I knew the moment we walked in this may be a problem.  The smell of all the new shoes was strong to me I can't imagine how it was slapping her in the face.  Sure enough the flying wasn't enough it was time to insert the screaming.  That was a snatch and run store.

      I left Reid and her in the van while I buzzed the craft store on a mission for 4-H items.  After all it's crunch time for those things.

     Next was her favorite store Walmart.  That was fine until she saw the doors and leaving was the only thing she could think of.  So we didn't even make it to the food side of the store.  Guess I have to go grocery shopping another day.

     I really tipped the scale when I did Sam's.  The screaming was through the whole store.  I felt like I was on one of the game shows where they are given a time limit to grab as much as you can.  Sadly we were done, but grandma called and wanted two more things.  That was too much weight on one side and the system crashed.  We grabbed what was needed and got in line.  The beautiful lady in front of me offered to let me go first and told me I was strong and she admired me for taking her out.

     (Here's where the post really should start.)  After all that happened that day and the comment that was made I really felt I needed to write this.  The comment made me feel really good.  After all it wasn't a negative one for a change.  But strong was not how I was feeling right then.  I wanted to fall to the floor into a sobbing blob and be soaked up by the floor.  I HAD to keep going, we were nearly an hour from home and I HAD to drive home yet.

     It's times like this that song I'm Worn by Tenth Avenue North comes to mind.  I don't feel strong.....I feel like I would have a hard time kicking over an anthill.  I needed the support of that stranger to know that I'm doing the right thing and not everyone is frowning on my screaming, flapping young lady.  I know some of you are looking for the religious inspiration in this, and I could give you soooooo many things, but I think I'm going to keep that out of this post.  I want to use this one to have you look at something a bit differently.

     I hope that in reading this post you are inspired to give someone who is worn the acknowledgement that you see their struggle.  Even if it's just smiling at them and saying hang in there. This goes for family members as well as strangers.  We were at a family gathering one day and my brother smiled at me and said, "You are fine, don't give up."  That was all it took for me to not say, "I'm going to go home so you can all enjoy each other's company."  

     I may be worn, but life keeps going on and I have to keep going.  I ask that you please look at others differently.  If you see a child throwing a fit, look at the picture closer before you judge the parenting.  There are sooo many other factors that can be involved.  Flash your smile not your judgement card.  I hope you enjoy the video as much as I do.