Fairness

     I know interesting topic.  I will see if I can do it justice.  We have all had a little one at some time tell us, "That's not fair".  One of my students told me her dad always said, "You get what you git and you don't throw a fit."  Easier said than done.
     When I took my Special Education classes the instructor told us, on more than one occasion, that if someone says "that's not fair" we are to remind them that we all get what we need to succeed.  Some of us need crutches, some need glasses and some need more drastic things like wheelchairs and oxygen tanks. I know if I HAD to use a wheelchair, even though I don't NEED it, it would drive me nuts.  I would think to myself, "Why can't I just stand up go to point B?"  But I STILL find myself saying to God, "It's not fair!!!"
     It's days like today that make me cry this out to God over and over.  We had a family gathering and for some reason Breanna was not happy.  So she grabbed my hand and wanted to go sit in the oven, I mean van.  I redirected her several times, but she was having nothing to do with it.  I had a few stops to make in town so we left and came back.  "This is NOT FAIR"
     Upon arriving I told her we were going to go swimming.  (She LOVES water.)  I hauled all of our stuff to the bath house to change.  I dressed both of us got her in the water and a relative calls out, "OK kids let's get out so we can go."  She knew the voice and she was done.  SIGH  "This is NOT FAIR"
     I changed her back into regular clothes and she pulls me right back to the van.  So I sat in the oven, I mean van, watching the family interact, laugh and enjoy each other's company.  "This is NOT FAIR"
     I often find myself sitting back and watching, don't worry I've had plenty of practice with this even before Breanna so I'm an expert at it.  That  doesn't mean that I enjoy watching.  Let's face it all anyone wants is to belong and to feel wanted and/or missed. ( I think that is what is driving me more and more to write this blog, I feel that I am talking to someone.)  And sitting on the outside looking in  more than being on the inside makes me cry out "This is NOT FAIR".
     I don't understand, and don't think I will understand until I stand before God, how this is FAIR.  How this is either the glasses, or wheelchair, or oxygen tank I need to get through this world.  I have lost track of or lost close contact with some very dear friends since we cannot go out as a family.  I feel alone in this big world A LOT.  I'm tired of swimming around crying "This is NOT FAIR" but it's the life I've been chosen to live.
     Jesus didn't use those four words but he did try to understand more, and get out of dying for us in the Garden of Eden before he was crucified.  He knew why it had to happen, yet he cried out His own version of "This is NOT FAIR".  
     I know I can't walk away from this burden, but I often feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  I just look into that beautiful face of my amazing daughter and think "this is not fair" that I can't remain mad at the situation and I carry on.  After all it's not fair for me to give up on her.